The whole process of divorce or separation and co-parenting can take a toll on the mental well-being of parents as well as children. The struggle is amplified manifold when you have to co-parent with a narcissist.
In such a scenario, you are expected to be extra cautious and extra patient to glide through the arrangement smoothly. To help you with this, we have gathered all that you need to know to navigate this episode in your life and better help you with how to co-parent with a narcissist.
What is a Narcissistic Parent?
To understand the particular problems faced by parents while dealing with how to co-parent with a narcissist, we should first have an idea of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)and what makes a Narcissistic parent.
NPD is a mental disorder. A person with NPD has an inflated sense of importance and seeks constant attention. Their desire for attention is so strong that they may keep others’ emotions at bay, including their family members. Because of this, they often fail at establishing deep, strong relations with others.
They present themselves as full of confidence, while in reality, they have low self-esteem and are very susceptible to criticism. People with NPD are often less empathetic. This creates tensions in the relationship. All these traits are a hindrance to positive parenting. Children being innocent, often suffer the most in such strained environments.
Can you co-parent with a narcissist?
Yes, you can definitely Co-Parent with a Narcissist, although with the many challenges that comes with co-parenting with a Narcissist it may feel like you cannot co-parent yet having a firm plan set in place, legal rights and the courts involved it is Possible .The main priority should be the children and no a narcissist will most likely not change being self-centered toxic ways so do know when to throw in the towel if the children are gravely affected and harmed by the behavior of the parent.
What are signs you are Co-Parenting with a Narcissist?
Things can get extra messy when you have to co-parent with a narcissistic person, but the signs are very clear. Listed are the Signs you are co-parenting with a Narcissist along with the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.
- Narcissist parents are unwilling to co-operate. They may quarrel with you over pick-up/ drop-off times. May not agree over custody arrangements, etc.
- They may not act nice or agreeable even in the presence of your kid. Nothing comes before their inflated sense of ego, not even their kid’s well-being.
- Narcissist craves a sense of control and can go to any stretch to establish their will over others. They may, consequently, interfere with your child’s routine or belongings.
- Sometimes, they may use their little ones as pawns to take vengeance. They would criticize you in front of them and talk about you behind your back to use your kid against you.
- Narcissist considers their children as an extension of them. Their children must serve them and live by the rules and regulations as set by the parent. Disobedience is met with the withdrawal of attention, emotional detachment, etc. making this a really hard challenge of co-parenting with a narcissist.
The biggest Challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist is at the very core of a narcissistic nature is to prioritize themselves over others, leaving the children to not receive the care and love they need.
How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist Parent?
It is a daunting task indeed, and initially, you may find it impossible to do. But with patience and perseverance, you will be able to keep everything together when co-parenting with a narcissist parent
To co-parent with a narcissistic parent all you need to do is to keep your senses alert and follow the tips that we have gathered to assist you.
Chalk out a legal parenting plan
Get a written plan that describes what co-parenting is going to look like. The parents incur the costs, number, and timing of everyday visitations, holiday plans, etc. This does not leave any scope for your ex-spouse to exploit the situation and create conflicts.
The lesser the expectations, the better
It’s better to have minimum expectations from the very outset. Having lesser expectations prevents you from the mental breakdown that you suffer when your expectations are not met. Do this for your mental health, as you have to be strong support for your child.
Look for mediators or GAL.
These are some of the court services that you can take avail of. A mediator is a neutral third person appointed by the court, who serves as a link of communication between separated couples. In this case, parents chalk out a parenting plan together while working through mediators. However, in the case of Guardian ad litem (GAL), parents are assisted by the GAL to work out the best parenting plan that is in the “best interest of a child.”
Do not lose your cool
While this may happen once in a while and is understandable, keep your cool. Avoid speaking ill of your ex in front of the kids as they are forced to pick sides in such scenarios.
Besides, remember that your ex-spouse would be acting most of the time immaturely. So, keep your emotional balance for the sake of your child.
Also, try avoiding any argument with your ex in front of the kids.
Go for counseling when needed.
when co-parenting with a narcissist, things may spiral out of your control, be opened to approaching a licensed therapist. Even venting out your issues to a neutral person can be of great help.
Similarly, you can choose a local community or school for children for separated couples where your child can find some respite and an understanding company.
Habituate with parallel parenting
Sometimes, it is impossible and/or desirable that the interaction between the parents is reduced to zero. In many such cases, children are left better off as they are spared from watching their parents arguing with each other whenever they meet. This arrangement is known as parallel parenting.
What is the difference between Co Parenting vs Parallel Parenting?
The difference between Co-Parenting vs Parallel Parenting is simple, when parents co-parent their children, they have a line of communication open with each other. They make decisions together that pertain to their kids and may also attend school functions or meetings together. Kids remain free to easily move between both houses.
On the other hand, parallel parenting minimizes the interaction between the couple. Parents disengage with each other. Unlike co-parenting, which takes decisions related to kids together, in parallel parenting, parents focus on their individual relationships with their little ones. Such an arrangement is suitable in case one of the pare in a narcissist or is abusive.
How to Survive Co-Parenting with a Narcissist ex?
| DO’S | DON’T |
| Maintain Firm Boundaries | Flip Flop on the terms you want |
| Reach out for Legal help | Do it all on your own |
| Open lines of Communication with children | Think children do not know what is going on |
| Say No | Think you must be the bigger person |
| seek therapy | hold it all in |
What should a parenting plan include for a narcissist?
A Parenting Plan should be very detailed and should include.
- Parenting Time schedule
- Legal custody
- Medical and Health care
- Education Information
- exchanges
- parenting guidelines
- child and parent relationship
- childcare
- communication between parents
- special needs for child
- child support and financial help
- relocating with child and travel plans
Custody X Change can help you with creating your own parenting plan document for a small fee if you do not want to go thru the courts. Custody X Change is a software that creates professional parenting plan documents and parenting time schedules.
How to have no Contact and Co-parent with a narcissist?
One of the ways No Contact Parenting with a narcissist can be done is thru Parallel Parenting. Parallel Parenting is a parenting style intended to reduce conflict between parents.
If you are not able to come up with a divide on spending time and raising the children, obtain the help of the court system. Have the court set up a schedule on when parents will have visits and time with the children. Then parallel parent with your ex by having all communication thru email and text messages.
In parallel parenting, each individual parent raises the children independently of each other. A consistent set of rules for the kids will differ per household each parent their kids their own way.
Furthermore, no contact can also be done with the exchange of the kids. Family member can be the ones to drop off the children to the other parents or have drop off be at a relative’s house. The courts can also set up drop off to happen at the police station where a policeman will be present for each drop off ensuring that parents do not have contact.
What are Co-Parenting with a Narcissist Book?
Most Likely we all know of a narcissist of two, whether we are married to ,co-parenting with them or friend .Today there are a plethora of book and guides to better help parents in navigating co-parenting with a narcissist with proven techniques for dealing more effectively with narcissists ex, Below is a great list of self-help and guidance book to better help parents. All books are under $20 with 4-star ratings and higher, here are the reviews.
“Well researched and applicable.
It’s clear that Don has a deep understanding of the topic which he treats with apt care in this value packed 3 in 1 book.
Not all of it was relevant to me but enlightening, nonetheless.
The practical examples and exercises are spot on, and they gave me a new direction with my own struggles.
Overall, I found the read useful in actually helping me work though the problem as opposed to giving a surface level overview.
Highly recommended!”- Ivan
“The first half of the book focuses mainly on how to deal with narcissistic behavior in a relationship and deciding if it is time to leave. If you have already left, how to heal from this relationship. It discusses narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors and characteristics and how they use manipulation to gain control of you. It has some tips for battling through a divorce with a narcissist as well. The second half of the book focuses more on effects on the children such as alienation of a parent, denying access to the children, and manipulation of the child for the narcissists benefit. I like that it gave advice and positive parenting tips for each age group in that situation. The goal is always to try to be neutral in the best interest of the children.” -Jessica Rotert
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“This book has been a GAME CHANGER for us in our high conflict “co-parent” situation. This is a MUST READ for anyone dealing with an ex or estranged child who is high conflict (whether diagnosed as BPD, antisocial, narcissistic…. etc. or not). Scratch that…. EVERY blended family needs to read this book.” -Anne
“Anyone who is in a relationship with a manipulator or narcissistic with any sort of legal conflict involving children should read this book. It does simply explain how to empower yourself through acting appropriately. This is a quick and easy read that took me less than 3 hours. In that short time, it shed light on how to communicate in life and in all things court related. If you are dealing with an abusive person, you may be very nervous and afraid. This is a good reminder to not let them portray you as mentally unstable. Not only is a narcissist predictable, so are their victims’ responses.”-Jarod
Final thoughts
When co-parenting with a narcissist thing may seem to be going into a never ending blackhole and the situation spirals out of your control. This is natural. Take a deep breath, reach out to your support system, get legal help, set your boundaries, and keep having open conversations with your kids.
Always remember, you are strong enough to sail through any situation that life may throw at you.